It’s not really much of a secret that I am a Stay-At-Home-Mom. If it was a secret, well then…Surprise! I remember when I gave birth to my first-born. Of course, as a new mom it was a struggle. I was learning about car seats, breastfeeding, breastfeeding in public, breastfeeding in fitting rooms, diapers, sleep schedules, best clothes to wear for breastfeeding, and that pretty much sums up the first few months of being a mom.
Okay, there was a bit more to it than that, but if you are a mom who breastfed…you so know what I am talking about. It was a mess at times to say the least.
But I loved it. I loved staying home with my babies. I loved watching them grow and hearing the funny things they would say. I loved taking them for walks and out for ice cream in the summer. I carted those kids everywhere.
And when it was time for them to start school, I loved that too! My husband and I had decided early on that we would send our kids to public school. It wasn’t that we were anti-homeschool, but we did want our kids to be involved in mainstream life. We wanted them to be exposed to teachers who had different personalities, kids with different backgrounds (religious and culturally), and we wanted them to learn to question the world around them…including the one contained under our very own roof.
Our oldest has proven to be the most headstrong. He has opinions about everything and if he doesn’t, he will find one in about two seconds. It’s true. He loves to argue and debate and while it can feel like a losing battle when I’m in the midst of it with him, it’s one of the things I love about him the most. I hope and pray my younger two will learn by his example that it’s okay to be yourself…even if it’s different.
This is the second year I have spent at home while all three of my kids go to school and it’s proving to be boring and a bit lonely. I mean there’s only so much cleaning a girl can do. My kids are pretty self sufficient too. They can do homework, grab snacks, and entertain themselves with very little intervention on my part.
And yes. I have thought about getting a part time job. I have even made a few attempts at it, but generally speaking, I need a degree to do anything that would come close to satisfying.
A few years ago, my world opened up in a huge way. I didn’t plan for it. I wasn’t looking for it. It just happened. The floor of my faith fell out from underneath me and I suddenly found myself questioning my entire existence. And by existence, I mean all of the things in my life that contributed to where I was at that point in time.
It was scary at first. I thought that maybe I would end up an atheist which sounded crazy to me. Especially since my Faith in Jesus was basically the reason behind every major decision I had ever made in my entire life. And I didn’t really know where I was going to find answers or how I would find them. I wasn’t really expecting sufficient answers at all. I just remember feeling a lot of anger and a lot of confusion and it was as if someone had sold me a giant lie.
Eventually I discovered a whole community of people who were not only asking the same questions I was asking, but had been living out these questions for some time. It was such a relief to find people who had rebuilt their faith and wanted to talk about it online. Most of the conversations were through social media and blogs. I would have some of the best discussions and I remember learning so so much from these conversations/debates and also my love for reading became a rediscovered passion. I couldn’t get enough.
But something happened over the course of about three years. The conversations have seemed to grow smaller. Sure, there are still a ton of online resources and bloggers/writers that I continue to learn and read from, but they have grown in popularity which makes online interaction tough. For the most part, the discussions are either non-existent or boarder line argumentative/ugly.
I often wonder “where are my peeps at?” And perhaps I missed some boat that everyone else is sailing away on. I’m not sure. But what does seem apparent is that most people just simply have better things to do than sit around and discuss “stuff” on Facebook. In other words… I have no life. Ha! I also have found that most of what I believe now seems to be the minority view among those I do interact with, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But it can feel isolating when I know that most of my supporters are at work during the day living their dreams…or at least trying to and I am sitting at home thinking, dreaming and not really having an outlet for all of the stuff going on between my ears.
So what’s a girl to do? I am considering going to school. There are a few options/paths I’m exploring when it comes to furthering my education and that might be a great outlet for me. I’m also wanting to start writing more consistently here on my blog. I’m hoping to be somewhat of a voice when it comes to the tensions felt among many Christ-followers and the plurality of…well everything in our world today.
I used to blog a long time ago and it was so good for me to give words to all of the things floating around in my head. And I know that there are so many out there who are struggling with life and faith and wondering how to do them both. I’m here to say, “You aren’t alone!” So what are some things your are questioning these days? Maybe you have been hurt by the church? Or maybe there are passages in the Bible that just don’t seem to line up with reality anymore? Or maybe your struggles have nothing to do with the Bible, but you struggle with relationships or anxiety/depression? Whatever it is, I want to know about it.
Let’s engage. I want this place to be a place where I not only continue to chronicle my own journey, but I invite you in on it. So shoot me a message or leave me a comment and lets do this thing together.