Sometimes the only way to combat writer’s block is to just. write.
I miss writing.
There. I said it.
Over the last year, I have gone through many more transitions. I feel like people are going to get sick of my ever changing ways, but I can’t help it. I have to follow my gut. I’m different. again. ugh.
After a long and difficult year of fighting for my marriage, my family, and my sanity, life began to look up. My husband and I moved us, our three children, dog, and hamster across the country back to California where we are from. It’s been so great to be back on familiar territory. I have been enjoying seeing the mountains surrounding us and visiting the beach more often. I have loved being near my family and reconnecting with them in new ways. The move hasn’t been easy, but we are in a good place and I am grateful.
Being here has presented new questions for me, however. I’m learning more and more about myself, about who I am as a wife, a friend, and a mother. Since getting here, I have turned off a lot of my self-reflective tendencies. I have shut down my desire to “speak out” against social injustices. I have spent the last seven months focusing on the present- my kids, their friendships, losing pets (RIP Cheeky and Luna), building/strengthening relationships, and putting in new boundaries with old relationships.
But I have missed the world. And I have missed sharing my voice.
The truth is that its hard to jump back in. I’m not even sure what I care about anymore. I’m not even certain of what I believe, spiritually speaking.
The one thing I am certain of and that I rest in daily is this: I am no longer afraid. Yes, I struggle with anxiety and no, I won’t be taking an airplane anywhere anytime soon. But I am learning to let go of fear more and more and more in my daily life. I am freeing myself up to ask more questions, to speak what I really mean to say, and to be comfortable when I don’t know… and I really don’t know much.
That’s just where I am at.
A friend of mine just got into town with her brand new baby girl. That’s what is bringing me joy right now. I just want to soak up my time with people that I love.
There are other unfortunate circumstances where I am learning to stand up for myself, my family, and not be taken advantage of. These are hard lessons to learn, but I’m hanging in there.
I honestly don’t know what to write about. Trump? Clinton? My God. What the hell is happening here?
Faith? I have No. Clue. My family and I don’t attend church and we are the happiest we’ve ever been.
Friendships? I am learning that it’s hard to find friends when you’ve always relied on church to find your friends for you. It’s been a challenge, but I’m not giving up. Let’s have coffee some time!!
There is just too much life that happens in ten months of time. That is how long it’s been since I’ve written. I should probably try to break it down into small bits or something.
And how does one end a blog post again? I am more than a little rusty. One post at a time.